I've been having disturbing dreams again...they're so real.  Last night's nightmare was awful and endless...I was taken hostage by these things, these non human things, with a ton of other people, and they made us do things-they thought it was funny.  Terrifying things.  There was darkness, so much darkness, and my friends were in the dream, some I haven't seen since high school.  I remember at one point sobbing over and over please I just want to go home. 

I don't know if it's the change of starting a new job, but the depression is starting to crush me again.  Today was hard.  There were so many tiny things that got to me.  A schizophrenic patient was outside with me on his smoke break, and he was talking to another patient about his uncle raping him.  The other patient asked him when that happened and he said "just now in the hallway".  Then he started talking about all the different times he tried suicide.  I was sitting there staring at the ground and willing him to shut the fuck up.  I know he's sick-mentally ill-but it was so awful to sit there and hear him talk about a rape that didn't really happen.  I hate hearing that phrase "mentally ill", too.  It lumps everyone together.  It sounds insane. 

I just feel so tired and sad and broken.  I'm so scared.  The fact that I'm getting worse again because I'm back to work scares the hell out of me.  It shows me that I'm THAT ill that I can't handle normal everyday things.  I want to cry.  I want to talk to someone, anyone, and have them hold my hand and understand and not leave, not give up on me.