All of a sudden I feel like crying.  I don't know where it's coming from.  I just feel like what's the point..."healing" is a freaking joke, there is no healing, there's pushing it to the back of your mind and trying to get through the day as best you can. 

I want someone here with me so much....

"It has been said, "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
— Rose Kennedy

Day 10 and 11

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
I honestly think right now I don't have anyone that I don't want in my life.  If I'd had this question two or three years ago, I would have answered Lynda and Leah right away.  But I've moved on, and I've let go of them, more or less. 

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Definitly how sweet I am.  People are always telling me that.  It makes me feel kind of good to hear that-because despite my past I can still be kind and loving to everyone.

I've been having disturbing dreams again...they're so real.  Last night's nightmare was awful and endless...I was taken hostage by these things, these non human things, with a ton of other people, and they made us do things-they thought it was funny.  Terrifying things.  There was darkness, so much darkness, and my friends were in the dream, some I haven't seen since high school.  I remember at one point sobbing over and over please I just want to go home. 

I don't know if it's the change of starting a new job, but the depression is starting to crush me again.  Today was hard.  There were so many tiny things that got to me.  A schizophrenic patient was outside with me on his smoke break, and he was talking to another patient about his uncle raping him.  The other patient asked him when that happened and he said "just now in the hallway".  Then he started talking about all the different times he tried suicide.  I was sitting there staring at the ground and willing him to shut the fuck up.  I know he's sick-mentally ill-but it was so awful to sit there and hear him talk about a rape that didn't really happen.  I hate hearing that phrase "mentally ill", too.  It lumps everyone together.  It sounds insane. 

I just feel so tired and sad and broken.  I'm so scared.  The fact that I'm getting worse again because I'm back to work scares the hell out of me.  It shows me that I'm THAT ill that I can't handle normal everyday things.  I want to cry.  I want to talk to someone, anyone, and have them hold my hand and understand and not leave, not give up on me. 

Day 8 & 9

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

When I lived with Lynda.  That is a part of my life that I've done my best to block out.  She turned out to be a horrible, cruel person that I wish I had never met.  I was brand new to Pittsburgh and she took advantage of that-she offered me a place to live because I wasn't getting along with my roommate, and like an idiot, I took it.  I thought she was so nice-she was 36 so sort of a mother figure to me.  Three weeks after I moved in, she got me and our other roommate evicted, even though we'd been giving her rent money, she'd been spending in on drugs and alcohol-which I didn't know until later.  We lived in hotels for about two weeks.  She rented a U-Haul in my name and then kept the U-Haul for an extra week, just because she hated taking the bus.  U-Haul had a warrent out for my arrest for "stealing" their vehicle, and I ended up taking it back when she was at work-she didn't talk to me for two days after that.  She never paid the money she owed them, so that's still on my credit report.  People told me I should get my own apartment but I was so young still and afraid of living on my own, since I had never done that before.  I was basically afraid of being alone at all.  We finally got an apartment, and it was good for a while, but then she starting being awful to me-calling me horrible names, slapping me, stealing money from me.  I finally moved out to my own place, but she hurt me so much....I don't understand what it is about me that says yes please, walk all over me, abuse me, hurt me.  I don't stand up for myself, that's probably a big part of it.  Funnily enough, I moved out from that bad situation right into a different kind of hell-but that's a whole other blog post.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I guess a lot of my friends from IUP-it's part of growing up.  I miss IUP a lot, especially when I'm so down and sad.  I miss living with ten other people and always having SOMEONE around....We all were best friends, and now we're spread out all over the country....but they're still my best friends.  I wish we could all be together, but life gets in the way, growing up gets in the way....