Favorite Criminal Minds quote

JJ: Mr Flynn, I don't know for sure if you can hear me but- My name, my name is Jennifer Jareau. I- I work for the FBI as a communication liaison for the Behavioural- Um.. Okay, Mr Flynn, I wanna talk to you about letting Ellie Spicer go. I mean I wanna ask you, to....see I’m not a hostage negotiator....I’ve never done anything like this at all, ever. But sometimes, circumstances it's....look, you can tell I’m not a hostage negotiator, but I am a mother and, I know what your mother did to you when you were little. What she was, what she made you watch, what she let men do to you and it makes me so..it’s just not fair. And no one can make that better. I wish I could, I do. If I could somehow go back there and make what was happening to you stop and just you know, pick you up and, just tell you that it’ll all be okay......that’s what moms are supposed to do. They’re not supposed to be the cause of your pain....they’re supposed to make it go away. They’re supposed to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. They’re supposed to tell you that thunder is angels bowling. And that it’s okay to be afraid of the dark and that it’s not silly to think there might be monsters in your closet and that it’s okay to climb into bed with them just this once, cos it’s scary in the room all alone. They’re supposed to say it’s okay to be afraid and not be the thing you’re afraid of. But most importantly they’re supposed to love you no matter what. What happened to you wasn’t fair. It’s not right but um... I’m supposed to empathise with you, sympathise, understand. But I can’t. That, that would be a lie. The truth is, I don’t understand, what you’ve done. I- I don’t sympathise with you killing people all these years. And I especially don’t understand you taking Ellie. What I can do is tell you what a mother should tell you; that you can’t take away your pain by hurting someone else. That it doesn’t make all the nights you went to bed scared and alone any better if you scare someone else the way you’re scaring Ellie.What happened to you, it isn’t fair, but what you’re doing to her isn’t fair either. And if anyone should understand what that feels like it’s you! You have the power. You can do what you wanna do. But for once, you can choose to use that power to do for Ellie what should’ve been done for you. You can choose letting her go. You can choose teaching her that, yes there are monsters and it’s ok to be afraid of them, but it’s not okay to let them win. And it’s not ok to be one.

I got through my first night of work so much better than I ever thought I would. 

Having C. there helped a ton, because I knew her from Presby, and everyone was so nice.  It helped, too, that the nursing home is on the smaller side, and there weren't a thousand people running everywhere.  It was quieter and more laid back and I felt so comfortable there by the end of the night.  I'm exhausted from smiling and laughing all night, even when I didn't want to, and I have a headache, but I think that I CAN do this.  I'm relieved...I can be normal, I can have a full time job like a normal person, I can have friends at work....it'll be okay....maybe.

Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for

S.-because she has loved me and supported me and been my rock, even when I didn't deserve it.  She has shown me the beautiful parts of living.  She has never stopped believing in me or my strength, and never given up on me, even when I gave her a thousand reasons to leave me. 

V.-for calling me every single day, no matter what, and getting me out of the house and doing things when I wanted to just stay in bed and not live....for not questioning me about what was wrong or constantly asking if I'm okay....for just letting me be how I needed to be.

K.-for reading my rambling emails and always answering....for calling and telling me she loves me so much and she will never judge or leave me, no matter what I tell her.

I start work tomorrow, and I'm feeling better about it. 

S. cut and dyed my hair tonight, so I'm feeling a bit better about how I look, although I'm still disgusted by the weight I've put on because of the meds and having two months of doing nothing but lay around.  I can't wait until I have money to buy a bike....

I think that I can handle working...I can be normal.  I hope so, so badly.

Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do

I hope I never have to be hospitalized.
I hope I never have to choose between people I love..
I hope I never have to return to the very dark, horrible place I was just a couple of months ago.
I hope I never have to decide between life and death for someone I love.
I hope I never have to see certain people ever, ever, ever again.
I hope I never have to say goodbye to those that I love.

I feel like crying.

I keep thinking how come Monday I'll be working again, and I really, really don't know if I'm ready for it yet.  I'm scared to death....not about the job part, I've been a CNA for long enough that I don't get nervous anymore about working on a new floor, it only takes me two nights to get their routines down....I'm scared about interacting with other people, co workers, and I'm scared that I can't handle it, and I'm scared of working making me sick again, like at Presby, and I'm scared of having to leave my apartment every day because my apartment is SAFE...I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I don't.  I don't know what I want to do.  Part of me wants to call and say I'm sorry, I can't take the job right now, and part of me wants to just get it over with and go to work Monday....but that's a very, very small part.  I'm feeling sick tonight, sinus cold type sick, although I'm wondering if that's all in my head because I'm scared.  I just don't want to do this.  My counselor once told me to always follow my insticts because they're always dead on, and right now my instincts are telling me don't do it. 

I'm scared.

Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

There's so much I want to do in my life. 

The biggest thing right now is overcome my past and move forward.  I'm so stuck in the past right now and I can't get out-the abuse, the rape, the betrayals and heartaches and hurt are so right up front and I want to overcome everything but I don't have the skills yet to get there.

Other things...I want to be a nurse.  I want to work with children.  I want to go sky diving.  I want to travel, to Italy and England and Ireland.  I want to go to a real rodeo.  I want to get married and have children.  I want to meet Sugarland and the cast of Criminal Minds and the cast of Law and Order: SVU.  I want to get back in to photography again.  I want to buy a bicycle.  I want to lose weight.  I want to go back to the National Aquarium in Baltimore.  I want to go to a Steeler's game.  I want to find my birthmother.  I want to go parasailing and jet skiing.  I want to rent a beach house for a whole summer.  I want to maybe live at the beach some day.  I want to visit the Bahamas.  I want to go on a cruise.  I want to go skiing.  I want to see all there is to see in this world and I want to see it not through a filter of pain, but through happieness and health. 

Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I've actually already gotten to this point with someone in my life, but I'll write it out just the same.

I spent at least a month treating S. like shit because I believed that she wasn't there for me in the right way, in the way I wanted.  And truthfully, she really wasn't there-partly because of my shitty attitude and partly because she just couldn't handle me and my illness, the day to day sadness and pain and frustrations that come with it.  I was so angry that she started to pull away that I blamed everything on her.  When I lost my job I went over the past few months in my mind, and realized that I had to forgive S. for pulling away.  I finally understood that she was just scared and helpless feeling, and was loving me and caring for me in her own way.  So, I forgave her, and now we are closer than ever.  I don't feel like I have to tell her daily that I'm sad, and we haven't fought in about two months.  I love her, and she is more than my best friend, and I'm greatful that I was able to step back and see how things really were before I lost her.

Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Hmmmm.  This is a hard one....

I think I need to try to forgive myself for not taking my sister and the babies in last year when she called.  She was so desperate and living in a hotel, but Vickie and my mother both said not to pick them up and bring them to Pittsburgh, she does drugs and my apartment is so small for two babies and I work full time and go to school....so I didn't get her, and she ended up in a homeless shelter, then arrested, then pregnant again, and I blame myself 100% for all of that.  But I need to stop blaming myself.  If I had a degree and a better paying job than what I have now and a bigger apartment then yes, I could have brought them to live with me.  But the truth is if I can't take very good care of myself then I can't take care of them, and I need to forgive myself for leaving my sister in the situation that she was in.  I have to try to remember that Caitlin is an adult and a mother and she makes her own choices.  Yes she has disabilities-ADHD and something else that I can't remember-but there is help out there for her and she chooses not to reach out for that help.  So.  I'm going to try to let myself off the hook.  I love my sister and I love my nieces with all my heart.  But sometimes love isn't all you need to take care of someone.

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet tomorrow is more often a repetition of today."
~Criminal Minds

How very true.

I took a nap after running around this morning, and had one disturbing dream.  Actually, I can only remember a small part of the dream, but it shook me up all the same.

I'm following my aunt up some stairs.  We're in someone's house, it's more of a mansion, really, and there's a man following behind me.  My aunt introduced me to him but I can't remember his name.  He puts his arms around my front so he's holding me and I watch my aunt reach the top of the stairs and disappear down the hall.  I try to wiggle free and the man says don't do that, come on be a good girl, and he's laughing softly while he's feeling my breasts and down there.  We fall forward on to the stairs.  That's all I can remember.

I'm very groggy and tired.  I need to get things done, it's trash night and the dishes have piled up, but I'm so tired I want to just crawl back into bed. 

Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
This will be harder than the hate post.

Something I love about myself....I like (okay fine love) how compassionate and caring I am towards friends and even strangers, depsite and because of my upbringing.  I would do anything for my friends.  I know that I'm a good aide because of this quality-I know that I do more than the job is required, because I want the residents to be happy and safe and comfortable. 

That's all I can think of for now.

30 days of truth-day 1

I found this on another blog and think it's a neat idea.
Soooooo day one-Something I hate about myself

One thing I hate about myself is my inability to follow through on anything in my life.  Example-nursing school at St. Margaret's.  As soon as I made one mistake in clinical I gave up and stopped trying, and failed out as a result.  Another example-counseling.  I'll go for a couple of months, one year is my longest, and then get tired of trying and give up.  And even during counseling, I don't try very hard.  I'll talk about something absolutely stupid that really didn't affect me THAT badly instead of the major issues.  I shut down so easily.  

I do believe that depression has something to do with this, but I also think that I'm just naturally lazy.  I will always look for the easy way out.  I'd rather lay on the couch and read and watch tv for hours then put that same amount of time into homework or a project.  I have no idea how to change myself, other than just force myself to follow through on things-I think if I had someone yelling at me to finish it'd help, but yeah, there's no one. 

The list of things I hate about myself could go on for miles.  I hate my illness, I hate that I can't manage money, I hate that I buy things that I don't need, I hate that I'm alone with no family, I hate that I'm bitchy a lot of the time to my best friends, I hate that I treated my sister like shit growing up and now she's a drug addict with three kids under the age of 3, I hate that I smoke again after quitting for 10 months, I hate that I didn't tell Chris how I felt when I had the chance, I hate that I lost my job when I loved it there, I hate that I whine, I hate how immature I am and feel, I hate that I've gained so much weight, I hate that I don't know how to cook, I hate that I don't know how to do my makeup very well, I hate that I don't know how to do my hair other than straighten it or pull it up, I hate how much I sleep all the time, I hate that I need a sleeping pill to fall asleep, I hate that I haven't gotten a degree yet, I hate MYSELF!


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I finally got a job.  I'm trying not to be scared about anything and just think of this as a positive step forward.  New job, then hopefully back to school this summer.  I can do this.

On Oprah today, there was a girl who had been locked in a cage by her parents for the first 7 years of her life, and she said something that stuck with me.  She said everyone has a choice, a choice to be a victim of the past or a survivor of the past, and she chose to be a survivor.  She still has nightmares, still goes to therapy, but she isn't letting the past control her future.  I wish I could get to that point.  I don't think I'm "choosing" to be a victim OR a survivor-I think that I'm taking it minute by minute, and for now that's all I can do.  One minute I'm a victim, the next I'm a survivor.  I'm both.  And I think everyone is both, that's been through some trauma.  I don't think you can be either one without being the other, too. 

I do know that I'm still feeling better with the meds, and I'm scared to hope, but I am hoping.  Maybe, finally, I found the right dosage.  Maybe this will even me out.  God, I hope so.

My one good thing that happened today....finding the sand art kit for Nevaeh, and remembering building my own sand art....god I loved doing that.  I thought they were the greatest.  Good memory :).

I have to keep focusing on the small things...because it's those things that will get me through to the "other side", wherever that other side might be.

Like
The woman walking her dog, who had his (obviously favorite) toy bone in his mouth.  I actually saw this dog twice that day, and both times his stuffed bone was in place.  So adorable.

When Matt's dad sat in Katie's chair from IKEA during the Superbowl.  "I'm waiting for him to go face-first into the popcorn"

Phipp's.

I'm having a hard time thinking of other things right now.  I'll have to add more later.

I'm sure this is wishful thinking, too early to tell, ect.

But my mind feels a bit sharper since I upped the meds.  I feel like I can focus better on things...and I feel calmer.  It might be nothing.  But I really hope it's something...

The job didn't call today, and I'm kind of freaking out.  I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get this job.  And at the same time, I don't know what I'm going to do if I DO get the job...

I am starting to really feel the effects of my isolation.  I need to stop this crap.  This is a major reason why I need this job.  I need to interact with other people again on a daily basis. 

Please call....

Misjudging a stranger

She had bright, hot pink, curly hair.  It looked fake...she was black.  She was wearing an oversized shirt and big jeans, and yelling out to people she knew.  I looked at her and dismissed her as "ghetto", one of "those" people who are too loud and have no social graces and don't care about anyone but themselves.

But then, the cashier at the customer service turned to us and asked who was next.  Hot Pink looked at me and smiled and said "she was next".

Never judge a book by it's cover.  I should know that by now.

Starting over

I keep thinking about the new job that I interviewed for.

On one hand, I desperatly want the job.  I'm tired of having nothing to do and tired of having limited contact with other people.  And a regular paycheck would be so nice.

But on the other hand, I'm terrified.  I'm so afraid that my new co workers will see through the wall I put up around myself.  I'm afraid that I will purposefully let that wall down in an effort to find support and end up hurt again.  I'm afraid that people will talk about me like they have at Presby, that they'll say I'm crazy, weird, clingy, not enough meds in the world to help me. 

I think that there is something terribly wrong and broken inside of me that will never fix itself or heal.  The fact that I've felt like this since childhood says something to me-I was born with something missing, something wrong in my brain, causing unbalances and pain and depression that no amount of meds or counsling will straigten out.  I should just accept that this is as good as it's going to get and deal with it.  But the day to day pain is so crushing...I tell friends I'm getting better, stronger, but I know I'm not.  I know that I'm just pushing the sickness and pain away, deep in myself, and lying to myself and everyone I love. 

Somehow part of me believes that if only I had someone here with me 24/7, someone that acted as a mother would, someone that would take care of me and hold me when I need it and love me without conditions and be there if I wake up in the middle of the night....if I had that, I'd be fixed.  I wouldn't have pain anymore.  I'm 27...having a fantasy like that bothers me, because I'm old enough to know that it's not going to happen, and I shouldn't NEED it to happen. 

I think that I'm lazy, worthless, immature, unmotivated, and these reasons are why I have no college degree, no past or current boyfriends, not even a job right now.  I've failed out of school, gotten fired from my job, all within a two year period, gotten evicted from apartments, lost friends, have no money saved up and live paycheck to paycheck....basically, I'm a loser.  I don't understand why I can't be like other people my age.  It's beyond frustrating-I WANT a degree and a savings account and good credit, but I don't know how to get these things.  I don't know how to motivate myself to reach these goals.  It makes no sense to me why I am like this.

Maybe getting this new job will be a good step.  But maybe not.  I just know that I'm not living right now.  I don't think I've ever really been living, not ever in my life.  And that's pretty pathetic.

Little Miss big ol heart beats wide open
She's ready now for love