I had such a terrible night of sleep...I was in this awful awake but dreaming state, it was so scary.,.I kept fading in and out but I couldn't get myself out of it and I couldn't move. I'm so glad to be totally awake. It went on for hours. My jaw is throbbing, like I was clenching my teeth for a long time, and I ache inside..I can't stand this..
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Day 16, 17, 18, 19
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I'm trying to learn to let go of the selfish people in my life-the "friends" that only call when they need a ride somewhere or someone to babysit their dogs, but aren't there through the bad parts. I only have three people in my life that I trust 100%, which makes me sad in a way....it's hard, too, because so much of my friendship with others was based around our sorority and partying for four years.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
I love to read so this is a hard one....ha, Twilight-totally changed my views about vampires! One book I read recently was Moloka'i, about the leprosy plague in Hawaii, and the people who were sent away to leper colonies. It follows a five year old girl who is ripped away from her mother and father and sent to a colony, where she lives the rest of her life. I guess it's just a part of history that I never really knew about, so it really impacted me when I read it. I've also read a lot of books on the Holocaust, and one that stands out is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I liked how it showed the Nazi side of the Holocaust-how the officers (the boy's father) would go to work in the death camps and then come home and sit down to dinner and play with his children and help them with homework. The son had no idea what was going on-all he knew was that a housekeeper that he loved didnt' work at their house anymore. The ignorance on the wife's part bothers me, but I guess it was a way of surviving that time period.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
You can't help who you love. Forty years ago it was interracial marriages, now it's gay marriages. Twenty years from now no one will care one way or another. Hopefully.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion?
This is a hard question for me. I struggle a lot with the idea of God, or Heaven and Hell, or any kind of being watching over us. I remember someone saying on some movie-there's plenty of evidence in science, but no evidence of any kind of God. Yes, that's what faith is....but I just don't know. I don't like the idea of a God watching as the towers fell on 3,000 people. Or watching as Jews were gassed to death or starved to death or were shot in front of their children. Go to a children's hospital, to the cancer wing, and then come out and tell me you still believe in God....what is he doing up there? Why would he let so much pain and suffering happen? If he made the world in his vision or whatever what does that say about him? You're telling me he couldn't make humans without adding cells that mutate into cancer, or stop the birth of a child that would grow up to slam a plane into a tower, or take the idea of rape out of everyone's head, or molestation, or murder, or kidnapping, or torture, or bombings, or car accidents, or tornados or hurricanes or earthquakes or tsunami's....yes, suffering is a part of life but some things are so terrible that I can't see God sometimes. I just can't. I've had people tell me to just leave my problems up to God. So, what, I'm just supposed to sit here and pray and just like that I'll have a great life with no pain inside of me and no memories of being raped? Sorry. That doesn't work for me. Where was God when I was being raped? Where was God when my sister and me were being molested? Where was God when I was locked away? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know.
I'm trying to learn to let go of the selfish people in my life-the "friends" that only call when they need a ride somewhere or someone to babysit their dogs, but aren't there through the bad parts. I only have three people in my life that I trust 100%, which makes me sad in a way....it's hard, too, because so much of my friendship with others was based around our sorority and partying for four years.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
I love to read so this is a hard one....ha, Twilight-totally changed my views about vampires! One book I read recently was Moloka'i, about the leprosy plague in Hawaii, and the people who were sent away to leper colonies. It follows a five year old girl who is ripped away from her mother and father and sent to a colony, where she lives the rest of her life. I guess it's just a part of history that I never really knew about, so it really impacted me when I read it. I've also read a lot of books on the Holocaust, and one that stands out is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I liked how it showed the Nazi side of the Holocaust-how the officers (the boy's father) would go to work in the death camps and then come home and sit down to dinner and play with his children and help them with homework. The son had no idea what was going on-all he knew was that a housekeeper that he loved didnt' work at their house anymore. The ignorance on the wife's part bothers me, but I guess it was a way of surviving that time period.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
You can't help who you love. Forty years ago it was interracial marriages, now it's gay marriages. Twenty years from now no one will care one way or another. Hopefully.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion?
This is a hard question for me. I struggle a lot with the idea of God, or Heaven and Hell, or any kind of being watching over us. I remember someone saying on some movie-there's plenty of evidence in science, but no evidence of any kind of God. Yes, that's what faith is....but I just don't know. I don't like the idea of a God watching as the towers fell on 3,000 people. Or watching as Jews were gassed to death or starved to death or were shot in front of their children. Go to a children's hospital, to the cancer wing, and then come out and tell me you still believe in God....what is he doing up there? Why would he let so much pain and suffering happen? If he made the world in his vision or whatever what does that say about him? You're telling me he couldn't make humans without adding cells that mutate into cancer, or stop the birth of a child that would grow up to slam a plane into a tower, or take the idea of rape out of everyone's head, or molestation, or murder, or kidnapping, or torture, or bombings, or car accidents, or tornados or hurricanes or earthquakes or tsunami's....yes, suffering is a part of life but some things are so terrible that I can't see God sometimes. I just can't. I've had people tell me to just leave my problems up to God. So, what, I'm just supposed to sit here and pray and just like that I'll have a great life with no pain inside of me and no memories of being raped? Sorry. That doesn't work for me. Where was God when I was being raped? Where was God when my sister and me were being molested? Where was God when I was locked away? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know.
Slowly getting this done....days 14 and 15
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Oh, totally Frank Warren from Postsecret.
We drove four hours to Toledo to see him talk. I'd seen him talk last year at Pitt but C. never had, and we were both pretty excited. It was such a total let down. First of all, Frank's talk was word for word the same as Pitt. Like, really, you can't change a few things?? Even the "never before seen secrets" were exactly the same. Then, when we all line up to get our books signed, he was so short with us-me and C. both said how we'd driven four hours from Pittsburgh just to see him, and he said "thanks", and then we asked if he'd take a picture with us. He said no, he wasn't doing pictures until he signed all the books. I looked over my shoulder and the line crawled the whole way through the gym out the door. I looked back at him and said something like please, we have a four hour drive ahead of us and it's ten o'clock. He said no, sorry, next! I just got this feeling from him, like he's really not that interested in what he SAYS he is, just the fame part. It was such a waste of time and money and I felt like someone that I really admire and really look up to turned out to be nothing, just another selfish human being trying to get ahead of everyone else.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Material things-Coke, my iPhone, music, my laptop, Facebook, cigarettes
Someone I can't live without-S. There was a time when we were fighting so much and I thought we weren't going to be friends much longer. She is so much a part of me and my life that it shattered my heart to think about not having her in my life anymore, but I didn't know how else to fix how bad things were between us. Slowly, day by day, we got better and close again, and now we're closer than we ever were before. I know I can't live without her in my life because it would break me. She is my best friend and my heart. She holds me together when I can't hold myself together, she listens to stories from my past and doesn't run away screaming, she supports my decisions, she makes me laugh and cry and she makes me feel stronger. I am so greatful for her.
Oh, totally Frank Warren from Postsecret.
We drove four hours to Toledo to see him talk. I'd seen him talk last year at Pitt but C. never had, and we were both pretty excited. It was such a total let down. First of all, Frank's talk was word for word the same as Pitt. Like, really, you can't change a few things?? Even the "never before seen secrets" were exactly the same. Then, when we all line up to get our books signed, he was so short with us-me and C. both said how we'd driven four hours from Pittsburgh just to see him, and he said "thanks", and then we asked if he'd take a picture with us. He said no, he wasn't doing pictures until he signed all the books. I looked over my shoulder and the line crawled the whole way through the gym out the door. I looked back at him and said something like please, we have a four hour drive ahead of us and it's ten o'clock. He said no, sorry, next! I just got this feeling from him, like he's really not that interested in what he SAYS he is, just the fame part. It was such a waste of time and money and I felt like someone that I really admire and really look up to turned out to be nothing, just another selfish human being trying to get ahead of everyone else.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Material things-Coke, my iPhone, music, my laptop, Facebook, cigarettes
Someone I can't live without-S. There was a time when we were fighting so much and I thought we weren't going to be friends much longer. She is so much a part of me and my life that it shattered my heart to think about not having her in my life anymore, but I didn't know how else to fix how bad things were between us. Slowly, day by day, we got better and close again, and now we're closer than we ever were before. I know I can't live without her in my life because it would break me. She is my best friend and my heart. She holds me together when I can't hold myself together, she listens to stories from my past and doesn't run away screaming, she supports my decisions, she makes me laugh and cry and she makes me feel stronger. I am so greatful for her.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
As my daytime self gets stronger, my nighttime self falls deeper into pure hell.
The nightmares are always there. I can't remember much from them but I remember enough and I remember the feeling I have in them and after them. Nothing stops them. I dread going to bed and stay up later every night but once I fall asleep I have such a hard time waking myself up afterwards. My eyes are so heavy....I hate them, I hate this.
The nightmares are always there. I can't remember much from them but I remember enough and I remember the feeling I have in them and after them. Nothing stops them. I dread going to bed and stay up later every night but once I fall asleep I have such a hard time waking myself up afterwards. My eyes are so heavy....I hate them, I hate this.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I drove to IUP today, and to get there, I have to drive on this back remote road. There isn't much back there, just a few houses and tons of fields and woods. The first time I drove home at night from IUP, I had an awful experience on that road-it was pitch black, the only light coming from my headlights, and I can't explain very well what happened, becaues I can't remember. I remember sobbing, and seeing something's shape in my rearview mirror sitting in the backseat, and looking at my phone and seeing "no service", but most of all I remember the terrible feeling that came over me-it was disgust and terror and death all rolled together inside of me. It was awful. So I was nervous about driving to IUP again, even though I was leaving during the day this time to go there.
I was fine until I got to the turn off and made a right on to the road. It was like entering another world. There was no other traffic-there wasn't the last time, either. It was light so I could see my surroundings, but that didn't help any at all. I was seeing things one at a time, like a slide show...the creek, the burned down farm house, the woods, the road-and I had this awful feeling inside of me. Pictures were flashing through my head....stumbling through woods with something holding my hands together, feet (mine?) in a creek, red, lots of red, a house with a window from floor to ceiling, a huge field. Every time I tried to focus on the pictures in my head, my brain slammed a wall down and I couldn't see them anymore. I was shaking and nauseous, and I kept thinking "something bad is here" over and over and over. I would see a house and sort of moan and think "it's bad, there's something bad"....and then the road comes out into a more residential area, and it was like coming through to the other side of something-it was immediate. I wasn't nauseous anymore, the chanting in my head (bad here something bad here) stopped, and I could see things the way you're supposed to see things, all at once. I don't understand why it happens there. Obviously it reminds me of something terrible but what? And why only there? Is it similar to somewhere I've been? I have no idea and I've been driving myself insane trying to figure it out.
I ended up staying later than I meant to at IUP because we went to a movie, and when we came out it was dark and my heart just sank. I knew I'd be going down that road again. I prepared myself-I locked all the doors about eight thousand times and looked in the backseat, made myself see that there is nothing and no one there, put Sugarland on....but still, it was the same thing. As soon as I came around the curve where the houses close together stop and nothingness begins, the pictures and shaking and sick to my stomach feeling came right back. I don't know what to think. I DO know that I have to find a different route. There has to be a different one. I think it gets worse every time.
I'm still having awful nights. The nightmares last night were crazy, dark, terrifying...I can only remember flashes but the flashes I remember is enough. I don't want to remember more. I'm exhausted and my head hurts and I'm afraid to go to sleep again because it'll be more of the same. I just want to be fixed. I don't know if I can be. Some things are beyond fixing, I think.
I was fine until I got to the turn off and made a right on to the road. It was like entering another world. There was no other traffic-there wasn't the last time, either. It was light so I could see my surroundings, but that didn't help any at all. I was seeing things one at a time, like a slide show...the creek, the burned down farm house, the woods, the road-and I had this awful feeling inside of me. Pictures were flashing through my head....stumbling through woods with something holding my hands together, feet (mine?) in a creek, red, lots of red, a house with a window from floor to ceiling, a huge field. Every time I tried to focus on the pictures in my head, my brain slammed a wall down and I couldn't see them anymore. I was shaking and nauseous, and I kept thinking "something bad is here" over and over and over. I would see a house and sort of moan and think "it's bad, there's something bad"....and then the road comes out into a more residential area, and it was like coming through to the other side of something-it was immediate. I wasn't nauseous anymore, the chanting in my head (bad here something bad here) stopped, and I could see things the way you're supposed to see things, all at once. I don't understand why it happens there. Obviously it reminds me of something terrible but what? And why only there? Is it similar to somewhere I've been? I have no idea and I've been driving myself insane trying to figure it out.
I ended up staying later than I meant to at IUP because we went to a movie, and when we came out it was dark and my heart just sank. I knew I'd be going down that road again. I prepared myself-I locked all the doors about eight thousand times and looked in the backseat, made myself see that there is nothing and no one there, put Sugarland on....but still, it was the same thing. As soon as I came around the curve where the houses close together stop and nothingness begins, the pictures and shaking and sick to my stomach feeling came right back. I don't know what to think. I DO know that I have to find a different route. There has to be a different one. I think it gets worse every time.
I'm still having awful nights. The nightmares last night were crazy, dark, terrifying...I can only remember flashes but the flashes I remember is enough. I don't want to remember more. I'm exhausted and my head hurts and I'm afraid to go to sleep again because it'll be more of the same. I just want to be fixed. I don't know if I can be. Some things are beyond fixing, I think.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm doing things that I always wanted to do but was too afraid-getting a tattoo, going on long road trips-and there's so much coming up this summer that I'm so excited for...so why do I still feel so sad all the time? Even this new job, I'm excited about it, and i'll be making more money than I ever have in my life. It's like the inside of me doesn't pay attention to what's going on in my life...it just clings to the past and stabs me when it thinks I'm ignoring it. I have to somehow let that part of me go, but I don't know how yet...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Day 12 and 13
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I don't really get told that I'm pretty, or good looking....I'm always told that I look 17.
Sugarland.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
If I was ever lucky enough to meet them, I don't know how I'd put into words how many awful nights and days their music has gotten me through. I'm always surrounded by this darkness, but somehow Sugarland, Jennifer's voice, always reaches through that darkness....I would give anything to meet them. Especially Jennifer.
I don't really get told that I'm pretty, or good looking....I'm always told that I look 17.
Sugarland.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
If I was ever lucky enough to meet them, I don't know how I'd put into words how many awful nights and days their music has gotten me through. I'm always surrounded by this darkness, but somehow Sugarland, Jennifer's voice, always reaches through that darkness....I would give anything to meet them. Especially Jennifer.
I'm so broken inside. I'm so filled with pain.
I had a nightmare last night that someone (something?) was in my room, and I could see it in the moonlight, but then suddenly it was pitch black, and I could hear it breathing and getting closer, so I rolled out of bed and crawled into the hall and then I don't remember any more. I woke up this morning on the couch with no memory of getting there...this sleepwalking, it scares me. It reminds me of Paranormal Activity when she's standing over her boyfriend for four hours. I feel like I have a demon, too, like her, only my demon is my past.
I just want to be okay again.
I had a nightmare last night that someone (something?) was in my room, and I could see it in the moonlight, but then suddenly it was pitch black, and I could hear it breathing and getting closer, so I rolled out of bed and crawled into the hall and then I don't remember any more. I woke up this morning on the couch with no memory of getting there...this sleepwalking, it scares me. It reminds me of Paranormal Activity when she's standing over her boyfriend for four hours. I feel like I have a demon, too, like her, only my demon is my past.
I just want to be okay again.
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