Starting over

I keep thinking about the new job that I interviewed for.

On one hand, I desperatly want the job.  I'm tired of having nothing to do and tired of having limited contact with other people.  And a regular paycheck would be so nice.

But on the other hand, I'm terrified.  I'm so afraid that my new co workers will see through the wall I put up around myself.  I'm afraid that I will purposefully let that wall down in an effort to find support and end up hurt again.  I'm afraid that people will talk about me like they have at Presby, that they'll say I'm crazy, weird, clingy, not enough meds in the world to help me. 

I think that there is something terribly wrong and broken inside of me that will never fix itself or heal.  The fact that I've felt like this since childhood says something to me-I was born with something missing, something wrong in my brain, causing unbalances and pain and depression that no amount of meds or counsling will straigten out.  I should just accept that this is as good as it's going to get and deal with it.  But the day to day pain is so crushing...I tell friends I'm getting better, stronger, but I know I'm not.  I know that I'm just pushing the sickness and pain away, deep in myself, and lying to myself and everyone I love. 

Somehow part of me believes that if only I had someone here with me 24/7, someone that acted as a mother would, someone that would take care of me and hold me when I need it and love me without conditions and be there if I wake up in the middle of the night....if I had that, I'd be fixed.  I wouldn't have pain anymore.  I'm 27...having a fantasy like that bothers me, because I'm old enough to know that it's not going to happen, and I shouldn't NEED it to happen. 

I think that I'm lazy, worthless, immature, unmotivated, and these reasons are why I have no college degree, no past or current boyfriends, not even a job right now.  I've failed out of school, gotten fired from my job, all within a two year period, gotten evicted from apartments, lost friends, have no money saved up and live paycheck to paycheck....basically, I'm a loser.  I don't understand why I can't be like other people my age.  It's beyond frustrating-I WANT a degree and a savings account and good credit, but I don't know how to get these things.  I don't know how to motivate myself to reach these goals.  It makes no sense to me why I am like this.

Maybe getting this new job will be a good step.  But maybe not.  I just know that I'm not living right now.  I don't think I've ever really been living, not ever in my life.  And that's pretty pathetic.